The Department of Homeland Absurdity

One technique Advance Fee scammers use to defraud people, is impersonating officials from government agencies. You name 'em, they've faked 'em, to get victims to cough up more dough.

In my father's case the criminals pretended to work for U.S. Customs, the IRS, and the FBI. Now, a new institution has joined the mix: The Department of Homeland Security.

Rather than describe this ruse, I will let the crooks speak for themselves, as they did in a cheesy letter (bearing an obviously scanned-in image of the DHS seal) sent by one of their minions in Colorado:

Attention: Mr. John Doe

The Department of Homeland Security (DHS) takes this opportunity to inform you that upon investigation we have found out that you have been supporting terrorist groups in Jamaica.

Senate Bill 1906, the Homeland Security Enhancement Act, closely tracks all the transactions and supporters of these groups and it is within this bill that we detect, detain, and charge all supporters of these groups who undermine our safety and our values.

We also wish to inform you that a cheque containing $5,500,000.00 was won from the Australian Sweepstakes and Lottery by you and should have been paid out to you from January 31st 2009.

However, this package is yet to be claimed because of incomplete payments, instead you have been supporting these groups in Jamaica.

It has been brought to our attention that person's from Jamaica using the area code (876) has been using our office name as a means of collecting money from you claiming that they are acting on behalf of us, please bear in mind that the Department of Homeland Security does not use a third party. All information that we need to relate comes directly from us to you.

Let us hereby remind you that 3,000 innocent men, women, and children paid for this policy with their lives on September 11, 2001.

In order to assist you in clearing your anti-terrorist records we will have to provide legal documents to prove that your support was not intentional but was an act of ignorance to the fact that you were not aware of this policy.

For the provision of these legal documents and also to set up a new record, you are asked to pay a sum of $45, 678.45 which must be paid no later than March 23, 2009.

Failure to comply with this payment will allow us to assume that your payments towards these groups were intentional.

Please direct all calls and queries to Mr. Nigel Lynch Chief Executive Head of Security at 214-427-4685.

We anticipate your response.

Yours Sincerely

David Prendergast
DHS Assistant Manager

For our mutual amusement and edification, let's deconstruct the aforementioned letter, point by point.

1. If the Department of Homeland Security wants to contact you, they won't write a letter: They'll knock on your door. Same with the FBI.

2. Who but an Englishman, or a British colonial (such as a Jamaican) refers to a check, as a cheque?

3. How likely is it that the DHS either knows, or cares about, who wins foreign lotteries? Or whether the payments necessary to collect such winnings, are incomplete?

4. No legitimate sweepstakes or lottery requires winners to pay money, to claim their winnings. And any organization that can cut a good check for $5.5 million, is capable of deducting (and subsequently paying on the winner's behalf) any fees, before sending it out.

5. To the best of my knowledge, the DHS never asks for, or collects, money from citizens.

6. Call me crazy, but $45,678.45 sounds random, and is a lot of money to "provide legal documents and set up a new record." Last time I checked, the going rate for that sort of thing was $3.99 (just kidding).

7. I called the number listed on the letter, and - no joke - you can literally hear the call being forwarded (nobody answered).

8. My father has been told by local law enforcement officials that Advance Fee scams often fund terrorist groups, and that by participating in them, he is subsidizing terrorism. Because the criminals have my dad's complete confidence, it is likely my father disclosed these conversations to the crooks, who are now trying to use knowledge of his 'contributions' to extort more money from him. Scumbags.

Absurd as the Homeland Security scam is, the sad fact is that somebody out there - out of fear, patriotism, or credulity - could fall for it.

Don't let it be you, or someone you care about.

Cash Is King In The Land of Scam

In the land of Advance Fee scams, cash is king, because it has three distinct advantages over other forms of payment.

Speed: Unlike checks - which may take a couple of days to clear the bank - cash can be transmitted instantly around the globe thanks to modern information technology.

Anonymity: It is difficult if not impossible to trace electronic money transfers to the true recipient.

Irreversibility: Unlike a check, cash cannot be canceled after it is issued; neither can it be reversed, like charges on a credit card.

Given the prospect of immediate, anonymous, and guaranteed payment, it is easy to see why perpetrators of Advance Fee scams insist that victims send funds via wire services like Western Union, MoneyGram, and prepaid cash cards like GreenDot.

For the aforementioned reasons and others, cash truly is the currency of the realm, in Scam Land.

Advance Fee Fraud: Funny Money Held Hostage

For those not familiar with the term, Advance Fee fraud is a scheme in which con artists try to extract cash from prospective victims by demanding that they pay up-front fees to receive a sum greater - usually much greater - than the fee itself.

This sum comes in a variety of forms, including "found" money (such as unclaimed inheritances) and non-cash items such as luxury cars (Merecedes are a popular choice). More often than not, however, the alleged sum is a substantial prize ($3.5 million, in my elderly father's case).

There is no prize, of course, as legitimate sweepstakes and lotteries do not require winners to pay a fee in advance, to claim their award.

As for the so-called fees, the variations are endless. Some of the more common ones are:

• Domestic or foreign taxes
• Stamp fees or taxes
  
• Customs duties
• Package delivery charges
• Processing fees
• Handling fees
• Import and export surcharges
• Storage charges
  

Thankfully, most people are smart enough not to fall for such schemes, and those who do usually have the good sense to quit after being burned once. Unfortunately, a lucrative minority pay multiple fees, because they fail to realize that their phony winnings are a permanent hostage, never to be released.